A DAY IN "THE LIFE OF RILEY"

I feel like I need to do a CLEARING with myself and VULNERABLY I am sharing with you.

As you all know, I am inside of a LOVING, PASSIONATE, and SEXY relationship with my Anthony. So often, by design, my BLOG "A Day in the Life of Riley" chronicles our happenings when we're out and about (looking good and smelling good). Typically, its design is NOT to tell play-by-play of my LIFE nor Anthony's and my COMPLETE LIFE: the behind-the-scenes of two men adjusting to living under one roof and adjusting to all the layers, nuances, and sensitivies that are par for the course when two people come together inside of a COMMITMENT.

With that, of course, we argue and debate sometimes. Typically, we come down from the heat of it and settle effortlessly. Inside of some of this, I'm learning the degree my not desirable WAYS OF BEING (around RIGHTEOUSNESS, SUPERIORITY, CONTROL, and EGO) can show up. ALSO, in the INTIMACY of a relationship, I can be DISMISSIVE, COLD, and TESTY... and on top of that, I can have a TEMPER and can go for the JUGULAR. I am not good at nit-picking. I don't like arguing. I don't like when people's complaints target me (even if it's constructive criticism). I prefer calm and pleasant exchanges. Yet knowing that is not always the reality, the stinging Scorpio in me will almost unconsciously go for something really hurtful to retort to anyone who comes in my way, if (in my mind or heart), I feel I am being provoked or critiqued too harshly. It's a horrible thing.

And after I've said it, not only am I remorseful, but I too -- in calmer retrospection -- realize the degree to which I said what I said as "a weapon" (not so much as "truth"). And I just want that understood and I want to move on - back into the joyful and effortless.

Well, it's not always that easy, especially since I've too had a knack for putting the relationship on the table - exclaiming that 'maybe it should be over, if we're arguing this heatedly and if it's that bad!!!!!!!'-kinda' sentiments  (HYPERBOLE and DRAMA on my part... but I say it because I know it hurts and can create the horrible feeling that I've just felt for whatever reason I - in that moment - am feeling abused or abandoned or misunderstood or mis-quoted. Again, these moments don't show up all the time, but they have... and should be addressed).

I want to - firstly - APOLOGIZE to ANTHONY for my sometimes inexcusable choices to go off on him, saying ugly and horrible things that are not consistent with how I feel about him at my core. (And to anyone else out there who has felt this wrath). And I too know that I've sometimes said these things in less appropriate places than where any civil person would want to argue about something personal i.e. the street. And that is also wrong on my part. And I APOLOGIZE for not using some discretion around when my frustration exacerbates to such a myopic, no-turning-back level.

I have told Anthony these things and it may take a minute for him to get over our most recent exchange, though he's agreed to move through it as quickly as he can. And I'll be PATIENT and have asked that he give me a chance to learn from my mistakes and LOVE HIM BETTER.

Additionally, he and I have approached this as an EMPOWERED RELATIONSHIP WITH A BREAKDOWN from which we can: ACKNOWLEDGE THE BREAKDOWN... LOOK AT WHAT'S WORKING AND NOT WORKING... then, RECOMMIT TO OUR GOAL, which is to MAINTAIN AND CONTINUE TO GROW A LOVING, JOYFUL, CONNECTING, PASSIONATE, AUTHENTIC, VULNERABLE, and SEXY RELATIONSHIP.

The EVIDENCE is ENDLESS where these POWEFUL and EFFECTIVE WAYS OF BEING are showing up. Additionally, we COMMIT to CONTINUE to be MINDFUL and AWARE when those WAYS OF BEING that don't align show up... and I share that here so you - my readers - know that I AM NOT PERFECT... I DON'T ALWAYS GET IT RIGHT... I AM WORKING ON MYSELF RIGHT ALONGSIDE CALLING JOY FORTH AND LIVING THIS 'LIFE OF RILEY' that is so much a part of fun, pop culture and POSSIBILITIES... and I offer to you (and - in tandem - offer to myself), the following lyric, which CONTEXTUALIZES something from which we can all LEARN and HEAL (I LOVE YOU, ANTHONY!):

We Must Be Kind

So many things I can't control
So many hurts that happen everyday
So many heartaches that pierce the soul
So much pain that won't ever go away

How do we make it better?
How do we make it through?
What can we do
When there's nothing we can do?

We can be kind
We can take care of each other
We can remember that deep down inside
We all need the same things

And maybe we'll find
If we are there for each other
That together we'll weather
Whatever tomorrow may bring

Nobody really wants to fight
Nobody really wants to go to war
If everyone wants to make things right
What are we always fighting for?

Does nobody want to see it?
Does nobody understand?
The power to heal
Is right here in our hand

We can be kind
We can take care of each other
We can remember that deep down inside
We all need the same things

And maybe we'll find
If we are there for each other
That together we'll weather
Whatever tomorrow may bring

And it's not enough to talk about it
Not enough to sing a song
We must walk the walk about it
You and I, do or die, we've got to try to get along

We can be kind
We can take care of each other
We can remember that deep down inside
We all need the same things

And maybe we'll find
If we are there for each other
That together we'll weather
Whatever tomorrow may bring

And maybe we'll find
True peace of mind
If we always remember
We can be kind